Our Need for Social Connection: The Journey Toward Community
Welcome back to another installment of our Summer Wellness Series, where this week we will focus on social well-being. Regardless of whether you are an introvert or extrovert or somewhere in between, we all need human connection. In recent years I have spent a lot of time building and remodeling my own “community”. I think we often assume our people will always be there for us, but times change, we evolve, our friends evolve, and as a result, our crowd of supporters also evolves over time. It is easy to grieve the loss, trying to hold on to the past, but we have to consider change as a natural part of relationships and community and learn to embrace that awkward middle phase of the journey toward what we are seeking. I went through a divorce five years ago and this naturally led to a loss of some relationships, and my sense of belonging in a community. Our friends are often forced to choose sides in such scenarios. During that time, I also switched churches, changed jobs, and moved to a neighboring community. It was a lot of change and I could see that I needed to explore new ways to connect with others if I was going to find my social rhythm again. I joined a number of new activities (playing soccer again after 27 years off the field), took up an art class, and started in an instructional curling league to name a few. I joined my local civic association as well, mostly in an effort to connect with a new audience to rebuild my community.
Of course, not every activity we try or every relationship we invest in will stick, but I have been playing soccer now for 4 years and have a wonderful group that I connect with each week. I look forward to it and our lives are intertwined because of a shared interest. We catch up on one another’s families, travels, restaurant and TV recommendations, among other things. The civic association similarly has opened up doors to meet neighbors and to strengthen my connections in the community while giving back a bit of my time. I think we can all point to anecdotal evidence that would suggest to us the importance of relationships and building a community around us, but what does research say about this?
Benefits of Connection
Social Interactions are vital to our happiness (Diener and Seligman, 2002). The Harvard Study of Adult Development found that close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives. Those ties protect people from life’s discontents, help to delay mental and physical decline, and are better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ, or even genes (Harvard Gazette, 2017). These social connections are also good for our health and memory according to dozens of studies and lead people to live longer than those without strong social connections (Harvard University, 2011). Isolation and lack of connection have the same negative impact on one’s life as smoking 15 cigarettes per day (Health & Human Services, 2023) and lead to an increased risk of death (Kroenke, 2006).
Additionally, social connections in youth are key to later well-being. According to a survey that followed nearly 300 men over the course of more than 70 years, intimate relationships—a loving childhood, empathy, and warm relationships as a young adult—are the best predictors of economic success, physical health, and flourishing in life (Valliant, 2013). Boys who are more socially integrated in childhood and adolescence tend to have lower blood pressure and body mass index in adulthood (Cundiff et al., 2018). There are thousands of additional research studies that all point in the same direction…we need human connection to be healthy and to have optimal well-being.
Barriers to Connection
In recent years we all experienced a collective barrier to connection…COVID-19. It is no wonder why there was such a marked increase in alcohol sales during the pandemic (20% according to Columbia—Mailman School of Public Health, 2021), drug overdoses (30% from 2019 to 2020 per a 2021 CDC report), and mental health diagnoses (depression and anxiety rates up 25% per the World Health Organization—2022). The loss of human connection led to unfathomable deficits in our need for interaction, touch, intimacy, and a sense of belonging. We collectively did not know how to cope through the crisis, and now, even past the pandemic, we are still crawling out from under the ill-effects that COVID-19 caused.
I’ll also assume we can likely all identify some additional barriers to having optimal relationships in our lives. For me, I often feel very busy with work, parenting, and with volunteer responsibilities. While I love to plan ahead for travel, work strategy, etc. I am often more of a spontaneous guy when it comes to trying to spend time with friends. This often does not bode well for connecting with others as all of our lives are fairly busy.
There are a number of reasons that can prevent us from connecting including the following:
We take a passive role waiting on others to reach out
Social media shows us the “perfect” lives of others which makes us not feel great about our own situation
We work too much and don’t prioritize relationships, striving to climb the corporate ladder
We allow the past hurts and emotional challenges to influence our current circumstances and relationships as we don’t feel worthy, valued, or relationally secure
We try to make connecting too complicated and too stressful
Family life is busy and we prioritize our kids’ activities over our well-being
We don’t plan ahead and friends are not available as a result
Lack of money or resources needed to socialize with others at the level we’d like to
Do you have barriers that prevent you from regularly connecting with, and benefitting from, such interaction with others? What barriers impact your sense of belonging in a community? Do you have a sense that at least some of the barriers could be eliminated or greatly reduced with some effort on your part, because it is time to take action for your own well-being?
Developing an Action Plan
There are many tangible actions one can take to have a more fulfilling amount of human connection in their life. I have learned to schedule at least a week in advance for most social engagements, and I often schedule the next one when together. It takes some getting used to, but really does work. It is important to note that having 2 or 3 close connections is likely to bear more fruit than a much larger and less connected group of peers. Also, while it can be uncomfortable, ensuring that you protect yourself from those who are toxic is vital for your well-being. Below you will find a list of other action steps you can put in place to increase your connection success rate.
Understanding yourself, your values, and what you want/need from others
Identify your barriers and goals to positive social connection
Assess how authentically you are living in relationships
Plan ahead so that people are available when you want them to be, and plan simple, low-stress gatherings
Join a club, group, or new activity to meet new people
Schedule the next gathering when you are together with friends
Assess if there are toxic people in your social circle and if additional safeguards or steps are needed to address this
Keep expectations low to start
Talk with a therapist if struggling to make progress
Final Thoughts
As we are all aware, adulting is a real-time killer and can make spending time with friends, family, and other connections more challenging. Each of us have our own strengths and preferences to achieve connection at the level we’d like to. We have to find a plan that works for us, but first, we have to assess where we are versus where we’d like to be relationally. What are the barriers that keep you from being optimally successful? What simple steps can you take to mitigate those barriers? What is your priority today? How do you plan to achieve your relational goals? Keep making small efforts toward the greater goal of well-being. Connection is a significant part of overall well-being and you deserve to make it a priority! It is as important as the need for food, water, and shelter. How are you going to ensure you have your relational needs met?
As we progress through the Summer Wellness Series, we encourage you to share with our team how your journey to wellness is progressing. Send us a quick note at info@ihs-trainet.com and stay tuned all summer for additional posts and opportunities for growth.
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